"This number is no longer in service...."

Well, my church is dead.

Yes, it was technically over about two and a half months ago, but it has been like when someone dies. They're dead, but you still get the bills. So I've been slowly sorting out the bills, making sure all the checks are in, everything's accounted for, everyone is paid and receipts are filed, before handing it all in to the big ol' church governing body in the sky. Literally. As in, on the 16th floor, that me and baby J made a trip to this morning, me, sweaty and dressed up, he, damp and in the backpack. Long story.

So I'm not going to lie...this ending's taken longer than it probably should have. If I really would have scrambled, I could have had it done a few weeks ago, but something in me resisted. I just didn't want to say goodbye yet. I didn't want it to be final, although if you would have asked me, I would have said, oh yes, of course, I want it to be over.

But today, it's over. Earlier this week, I got an email from a person (see my post below about casting out the demons, etc) demanding a final accounting as he was "promised."

The good thing about this is that it finally got myself into gear to deal with the last few faxes and phone calls and get it done.

The bad things....well...they're legion. What it boils down to is that I have such anger about this person asking me to answer to him after he was the one who made my life at this church pretty bad, maybe even setting me up to fail, although that's debatable. So I decided to treat him exactly how I treat my three year old when she's demanding something. I did exactly what I promised and nothing more, and I decided that if I get questioned any more as if I had done something wrong then I will do what I do with the three year old again and repeat in a calm voice the same phrase, over and over, as if I was a recording...."I'm no longer a pastor at that church. Please ask (my boss) for more information."

I'm still working all this out, but I've recently figured out that I have felt like a person in an abusive relationship...that I look around at some friends with good churches with more or less people who like and support them, and don't even believe it could be like that, and sadder still, that maybe I don't even deserve it.

But something in me just won't give up hope that there's a little church out there that's perfect for me. So I'll take this year as a gift, and I'll keep hoping. Okay?