"You look happy and proud."

so said my fortune in the cookie I got today at the excellent buffet down the street. "You look happy and proud." At first, I thought, what a dumbass fortune, as usual. But then I looked around, and had the thought that if anybody did see me today, they would think I looked happy and proud. I was with my kids and my husband, and we four were having a pretty good time. Baby J was chowing down on chicken and those noodle-y things, Big Girl M was trying out the trainer chopsticks, and I was eating my share after nursing Baby J through a growth spurt this weekend and running five miles this morning.

I felt happy and proud.

This is exactly the opposite of how I usually felt as I drove to my church or did anything related to it, with a very few exceptions in three and a half years. I usually felt like a failure, and unhappy.

And so I am happy to report that since the actual demise of my church last week I am feeling, in my new occupation (s) of mama at home, slingsewer, and supply preacher, both happy, and very proud. Finally.

"This number is no longer in service...."

Well, my church is dead.

Yes, it was technically over about two and a half months ago, but it has been like when someone dies. They're dead, but you still get the bills. So I've been slowly sorting out the bills, making sure all the checks are in, everything's accounted for, everyone is paid and receipts are filed, before handing it all in to the big ol' church governing body in the sky. Literally. As in, on the 16th floor, that me and baby J made a trip to this morning, me, sweaty and dressed up, he, damp and in the backpack. Long story.

So I'm not going to lie...this ending's taken longer than it probably should have. If I really would have scrambled, I could have had it done a few weeks ago, but something in me resisted. I just didn't want to say goodbye yet. I didn't want it to be final, although if you would have asked me, I would have said, oh yes, of course, I want it to be over.

But today, it's over. Earlier this week, I got an email from a person (see my post below about casting out the demons, etc) demanding a final accounting as he was "promised."

The good thing about this is that it finally got myself into gear to deal with the last few faxes and phone calls and get it done.

The bad things....well...they're legion. What it boils down to is that I have such anger about this person asking me to answer to him after he was the one who made my life at this church pretty bad, maybe even setting me up to fail, although that's debatable. So I decided to treat him exactly how I treat my three year old when she's demanding something. I did exactly what I promised and nothing more, and I decided that if I get questioned any more as if I had done something wrong then I will do what I do with the three year old again and repeat in a calm voice the same phrase, over and over, as if I was a recording...."I'm no longer a pastor at that church. Please ask (my boss) for more information."

I'm still working all this out, but I've recently figured out that I have felt like a person in an abusive relationship...that I look around at some friends with good churches with more or less people who like and support them, and don't even believe it could be like that, and sadder still, that maybe I don't even deserve it.

But something in me just won't give up hope that there's a little church out there that's perfect for me. So I'll take this year as a gift, and I'll keep hoping. Okay?

Baby J

So, my sweet baby boy is one year old today.

One year ago right now I was snuggling his long-awaited self at the hospital, where they never even mentioned the nursery and made it so that either me or his dad could hold him all the time. After 43 weeks of pregnancy (that's nearly 10 months, for you counting) I was ready for ANY baby to appear but not ready for his round, squinchy little delicious face, so much like his big sis, to come out yelling into the world that really, he could have stayed in there a few more weeks. I saw him right away, all goopy, held him, nursed him, named him, introduced him to his Nana, all before he was an hour old.

His life so far has been sort of a blur to me of a ten pound, eleven, fifteen, twenty pound weight on my hip or my back, his face looking up at me eager and smiling, nuzzling my chest when he wants to nurse, beginning to move around and have a personality.

He is a funny little thing...he says words like, "my dada!" and "All done!" and "hi!" and "thank you" and his favorite, "MAMA!"

Perhaps it's because he's my second baby and I could relax with him a little more, or that he's not so much like me that we clash as much as my daughter and I. Whatever it is, sleep deprivation and all, I have truly enjoyed this year with him, and I look forward to seeing his little face each day.

Blessed are you, baby J. Blessed was this year with your sweet self in it. Peace be with you, let the Holy Angels have charge of you so that the Evil One would not overcome you. Amen, and I love you, sweet boy. Happy Birthday.

Divorce Court

So, I went to divorce court the other day.

I went with a friend of mine, a good friend, one of my best friends, in fact. This divorce had been a long time coming, and I don't want to give too many details because the point is the experience of divorce court.

So we walked into the courthouse, and I started to get nervous, the way you do when you have a big exam coming up. We got security checked and went up a big set of stairs. Their names "Smith vs. Smith" were on a video monitor along with ten or so other couples' names who were divorcing that day. We sat on a bench to wait for her lawyer, who was wonderful...very matter-of-fact and compassionate, and wanting to make sure all the details were included and we knew what to expect.

We waited in this hall. Now, it was a normal looking hall, but there were about ten or fifteen well-dressed people there, women, men, and their lawyers. Every time the door would open to this hall the air would just tense up, and everyone would look up to see if it was HIM or HER coming in the door.

Her soon-to-be ex showed up late, as is typical of him, and was dressed like a slob. But that's beside the point because then we proceeded into the courtroom. It was a real courtroom with a judge (a lovely woman with a kind face), benches, a witness stand, bailiffs (the dudes with the badges and earpieces, inexplicably), and then us...the two lawyers, my friend, her ex, and me, sitting on the benches in the back. This may sound dumb, but I hadn't pictured the courtroom to look so, I don't know, REAL.

I was freaking out, and more so when her ex's lawyer looked at me and said, "you're going to be a witness, too" after he called the ex to the stand. I thought I was going to throw up. This was not in the plan, but whatever I needed to do.

They had to establish the case that they had actually been apart for a year, because that was the grounds for the divorce. His lawyer asked him some questions, and then called me to the stand. I had to raise my right hand, swear to tell the truth, and then sat down. The lawyer asked me my name, profession (!), place where I live, and how I know my friend. He asked how often we talk on the phone, and then he asked "if they would have gotten back together, would she have called you?" I said, "probably." It was so bizarre, like being asked to testify at a Jerry Springer show. Then he asked some more questions, such as, was I surprised to hear they were separating? I just wanted to make sure that I didn't mess it up...I didn't...but I was so scared I was going to say the wrong thing. But it was fine, and then I got excused and they called my friend to the stand.

Then the questions started coming for the two of them. Did they understand the agreement? Were they coerced into signing it? Did they think it was in the best interest of their minor child? Did they understand that it was effective now (meaning, ex, pay the child support already!) And then the kicker...was there anything the court could do to reconcile the two of them?

They both emphatically answered, at the same time, even, "No."

My main feeling was that if you are going through all of this mess, all of this legal business and pain and forms and lawyers, then it was truly THAT BAD. And for that I am grateful that divorce exists. I think that if you were having some problems, as all couples do, but nothing too serious, that you might walk into that courtroom and walk right back out again, because of the seriousness of it, the court and the judge and the bailiffs and everything.

But sometimes it is THAT BAD. I hate that, and I wish I could fix it, and apparently so does the state of South Carolina. But if they cannot, hopefully they'll end like this judge did...she tapped the gavel and wished both of them luck. And I do too.

Like my new look?

So, I've finally discovered how to customize blogs. It only took me about, um, ten years to do this or so. But looks gorgeous, no? It's very easy, actually, and my very basic HTML knowledge is serving me well although things have advanced since 1995 when I did some programming for $$ in college. Back then, people who were geeky enough to be on the internet had sort of blogs, but they were more like, OH MY GOD, I actually put something up that everybody can see!

Funny thing, they're still kind of like that.

Anyway, my newest project is that I've finally created a spot where I will offer my baby carriers for sale. I do this for friends and friends-of-friends, but I finally broke down and made it semi-official. I really do love to sew them and pick out the fabrics and see the final product...and see them make mamas (and papas') lives easier. Take a look.

In other news, I'll be out of town for a while and then my sweet baby boy will be one year old! So I may be online even less than usual, but who knows. That's what not having a full-time job to screw around on the internet does for ya. I only get naps to blog, and those are in short supply, although Mr. Man has decided he will sleep a bit better at night, thanks to a magic visit from a dear friend who seems to inspire good sleep, just by her presence. We'll be inviting you back soon, girlfriend.