Shame

I waver between shame and shamelessness about not keeping this blog up to date. I also waver between thinking that what happens during the day is impossibly boring and I don't even see the point of documenting it, and thinking that I really should write, if for no one else but myself.

Anyway. It has been over a month since I actually have written, and though I have a few drafts of snippets of thoughts on things, none of them materialized into anything remotely publishable.

I have spent three days with my kids, with no school and no camp and no nanny, which is a whole other side story about how I see this mom of a kid in my daughter's class in places like Starbucks and the bagel shop and even carpool and she NEVER HAS HER BABY WITH HER and clearly I am a bit jealous but also just marvel at the way she doesn't have a job, just a nanny, presumably so she can work out and drink coffee a lot.

I feel like a complete failure and wuss. Three days has been enough to reduce me to a mess here, on the floor, whimpering because the toddler WILL NOT GO TO SLEEP and I just need an hour or so of silence and maybe some bad TV and sugar.

I know tomorrow will be better, at least for a little while. I know that I am luckier than many other mamas on the block, but I wonder if it's some failure in myself to not be able to spend many days straight with my kids with no programmed entertainment and not lose my mind.

So I'm going to take some time, now that toddler has stopped his monologue from the crib, to take some breaths, try to be in Her presence. Maybe do some yoga. Eat some cake, watch "So you think you can dance." To quote my favorite crazy wonderful author, "It isn't enough, and it is."